Healer in Two Hearts?

My goodness, so much has happened I don’t even know where to begin.  I have been completely sans-computer for over a week, and it’s been impossible to stay in touch with anyone online, let alone update the blog.  My apologies!  It looks like my PC needs a new hard drive, so hopefully we’ll be able to work that out soon.  For the moment, I’m stealing a few precious minutes on Adam’s work PC while he is at the grocery store with his parents.

We returned from New York last weekend, and Adam had his first appointment at the new clinic in Aldie on Tuesday.  We both really like the doctor we met with.  Correction… I absolutely LOVE the new doctor.  Her name is Dr. Stone and I can’t say enough good things about her.  The clinic is beautiful, and surrounded by countryside and breathtaking views.  It’s perfect.  And the best part is (delivered in hushed tones and furtive glances)…. they are going to do the B17 infusions!!  We have to order it ourselves because the clinic can’t get it.  We have a special secret phone number for a clinic in Mexico and a code word to use when ordering.  Very cloak and dagger.  I love it.  But, we are over the moon that Adam will be able to get the good stuff, and the Schachter Clinic was pretty excited, too.  Apparently it can be really difficult to find clinics that are willing to infuse the B17 because they just don’t want to get involved.  Thank God for small family-owned clinics in small-town horse country.

Other than that, Adam feels wonderful although his first time driving in 9 months on uneven winding back roads was horrific.  We were both thankful to arrive there and back in one piece.  And next week, Adam gets to do the drive by himself.  Maybe it’s better that way.  Surely his confidence will soar when he doesn’t have to see his wife clutching the door white-knuckled, feet braced against the glove compartment, sucking her breath in with overdramatic force around every turn.

I also had my own mini adventure this week.  I found a suspicious lump in my breast a couple of weeks ago, but I wanted to get Adam’s trip to New York out of the way before seeing to it.  I booked a thermographic scan at a center in Ashburn for the 27^th, and I was a bit antsy the few days leading up to it.  Actually, I was downright bitchy.  My mother-in-law came with me for support, and was wonderful company while the GPS led us all over Sterling and Ashburn miles away from the actual imaging center.  We finally arrived 10 minutes late, and I was whisked into the examining room as soon as I finished filling out the new patient forms.  The thermographer was really awesome, and I highly recommend her if any of you locals are considering having one done.  Family Thermal Imaging in Ashburn.  Tell your friends.  Anyway, she scanned my torso from several different angles, which took maybe a minute, and then talked through the scanned images with me.  Thankfully, the lump is nothing to worry about.  There were no “hot spots” in that area of my breast.  However, the scan wasn’t totally clear either.  There were a couple of patches that showed irregular vascular activity.  She told me not to panic… there’s no need to run out and book an appointment with an oncologist.  But, there are definitely some early signs that I have a couple of spots that can potentially develop into cancer (8-10 years down the line) since there are detectable abnormalities already.  Not exactly the news I was expecting.  I had figured either the lump was a big scary fatal tumor, in which case I would immediately contact TLC and pitch a reality program starring our family, or it would be totally clear.  She told me there is a lot I can do to prevent cancer from forming, and suggested I look into a good detoxing protocol.  Well, HEY we’re doing that already!!  I can also start applying frankinsense to my breasts to help detox.  We’ve read a lot about frankinsense and how it can help with active cancer, so this sounded like really good advice.  As luck would have it, we happen to have a bottle of it that was recently passed onto us via my in-laws, so I can start with that immediately.  I’m also following Adam’s new crazy-healthy vegetarian diet, and I really really want to look into getting an infared sauna.  Ali should have one, Adam certainly needs one, and now it looks like I should be using one, too.  You can get little 4 foot single-seater saunas, and I have an idea of where we can put one.  In the meantime, I *really* need to order His and Hers enema kits so we can start doing coffee enemas.  I’ve read a lot about them, and the New York clinic highly recommended that Adam start partaking of daily “coffee breaks” in the bathroom.  I can just picture the kids pounding on the bathroom door… “But, Mummy I need your help NOW!”  Sorry, kids, but Mummy is completely indisposed at the moment.  Actually, it sounds quite appealing having 15 minutes all to myself to read, meditate, pray, whatever.  I just may have to sedate the children to make it work.

Best... Day... Ever!

We have had the most amazing weekend, and well, you know me.  I just had to share!  Yesterday we decided to go out exploring, and went out to Nyack to try to find Mountainview State Park.  It was on Google Maps.  It was supposed to be right there off the motorway on Mountainview Road.  Well, we drove up and down Mountainview Road and never found Mountainview State Park.  Shame, really.  It looked beautiful from the satellite view.  Anyway, we stopped at a Shell station to ask the locals were this darn park was.  No one had heard of it.  However, they did direct us to Rockland Lake Park, which was wonderful.  It’s a big lake with a walking trail around it, measuring 3 miles.  We walked the trail in such beautiful weather it nearly made me cry.  The sky was so blue, and the breeze was perfect.  For a few moments I lost my sense of reality and thought I was in Finland.  I can’t remember the last time I felt so blissful.  Then we returned to our hotel for a quick lunch before heading off to the home of my Aunt Jan and Uncle Cary.  What I like best about being up here for Adam’s treatment is I KNOW this place.  I could’ve driven to my aunt’s with a blindfold on.  We are less than 15 minutes away.  After all the welcoming kisses and cuddles we got great news:  my Aunt Marie and Uncle George were coming, too!  I hadn’t seen them in years, and I was so excited.  They are actually my dad’s aunt and uncle, but they’ve always been “aunt” and “uncle” to me.  They also brought their son Mark along, and I can’t remember the last time I saw him.  It was a great big family reunion!  We had so much fun catching up with everybody and gorging on ridiculous amounts of food.

Later that night, my cousin’s husband Tom had his adoration hour at the chapel and we were invited to go along.  He had asked friends of theirs from church to meet him there to pray over Adam.  After a few silent moments of reflection in the chapel, Tom started waving and motioning for Adam to come up to the front.  Adam and I kneeled at the front of the chapel and suddenly we were surrounded by people, all laying their hands on Adam and me.  Tom began to read and led everyone in prayer.  It was amazing.  The energy kept building as everyone took turns praying aloud and begging Jesus to heal Adam.  Adam and I were holding hands, but for a few moments I couldn’t tell whose hand was whose.  They seemed to just melt into one.  It was beautiful, and Adam and I were both shedding tears.  When it was over, one of the men told us to “take as long as we needed”.  Unfortunately, I had tears and snot running down my face, and I didn’t want to distract everyone from the beauty of what just happened with my loud snorting.  So I quietly left the chapel and Adam followed.  We were both a mess, and I hadn’t any tissues with me, so we cleaned up best we could with bare hands and my cardigan.  I felt a little bad when one of the men came out and introduced himself, and held out his hand to shake.  I prayed I wasn’t spreading some horrible communicable disease to one of the lovely people that may have been instrumental in saving my husband’s life.  After a few minutes spent meeting everyone and having a brief chat, we went home buzzing and looking forward to Sunday Mass.

This morning we relaxed a bit since I had a vicious migraine.  An Imitrex tablet helped clear it so we could meet my aunt and my cousin’s family at their church.  It was lovely, and mainly for the reason that Mass without Finlay is quite a treat.  We sang, we participated in prayers, we listened to the homily.  And boy were we surprised when Adam’s name was mentioned during the prayers for the sick!  My cousin Andrea arranged that one, and both of us were really touched.  After Mass we bid everyone goodbye and went to the Marian shrine less than a mile up the road.  It was awesome.  We spent a few quiet minutes in front of the 50-foot statue of Mary, then went for a walk on the trails around the property known as Rosary Walk.  I got out my grandmother’s rosary, and we prayed together while walking through the trees.  It was absolutely beautiful.  Then to top the already wonderful day off, we went out for Mexican!!  We ordered shrimp fajitas for both of us, and man were they good.  Adam and I go out to eat MAYBE twice a year, and this was such a treat.  I’m still bloated beyond comfort, and I will definitely be skipping dinner.  The past few hours have been spent linking up with the folks back home and seeing our beautiful boys, who I miss so much I can’t stand it.  We will be staying until Friday, and driving home Saturday.  This week I’ll be on the phone trying to coordinate Adam’s treatment when we get back to Virginia.  I’m hoping we will find a clinic (one in Aldie looks promising) who will continue Adam’s intravenous treatments when we return.  Unfortunately, one of the supplements has to be ordered from Mexico, and some doctors don’t seem crazy about the fact that it’s kinda illegal.  It isn’t ACTUALLY illegal, but the FDA has made it impossible to get and has convinced most medical professionals that it is in their best interest not to prescribe it.  Thank you, once again, to the feds for making keeping my husband alive a challenge.  Appreciate it.  Hey, wait a minute… my Aunt Marie is Italian!  Maybe she’s got a couple of burly cousins who can go over to the FDA headquarters and break a few thumbs.  Well, you gotta do watcha gotta do, hey?  Wow, one week in New York and I’ve turned all Brooklyn.  I better get back to Virginia before I find myself with two-inch long acrylic nails and crazy big hair.

Round Two

We made it!  We are here in New York, and have come to the end of our first day at the Schachter Clinic.  What a long day.  I don’t understand something about these cancer clinics.  I don’t understand why they don’t allow patients to have a lunch break.  Our first day at the Burzynski Clinic back in February was so unbelievably long.  You get there when the doors open in the morning, then have appointment after appointment until the administrative staff follow you out at the end of the day to lock up.  We were exhausted and starving by the time we got back to our condo.  It was the exact same routine this time around.  We were at the clinic at 8:30am.  We had back to back appointments until 1:30pm, then Adam was hooked up for IV treatments for three hours.  We finally got back into the car to head back to the hotel after 5:00pm.  I was so hungry I could have eaten the steering wheel.  But, who cares about me… what about the patients?!  These poor sick people need to eat, for crying out loud!  Adam survived, naturally, but I just don’t understand why they do this to their new patients.

Anyway, the first day went swimmingly.  We first went over Adam’s medical history with the physician assistant, then Adam had some blood drawn for labwork.  We met with Dr. Kopelson after that, and we both really liked him.  I spent a moment perusing the titles lined up on his bookshelf, and I was really impressed.  I’ve read most of them, so we were literally on the same page!  He has prescribed IV Vitamin C, amygdalin/laetrile, and something I can’t pronounce or remember at the moment.  Adam will also be taking a boatload of vitamin supplements, but that’s no surprise.  A couple of them where ridiculously expensive, though.  I can’t wait to see how God works out the finances on this one!  Then again, He came through when we were paying the Burzynski Clinic for 6 months, and if He can do that, He can do anything!!  Adam will start adding one supplement every other day until he is following the full protocol, which I think included about 10 supplements.  Our diet is already spot on, and the nutritionist was very pleased.  We just need to tweak a couple of details, and it’s now essential that we get grass-fed pastured meat, and highest quality fish for our protein sources.  Adam has been told to completely avoid commercial meat, poultry, fish and eggs.  Thankfully we live in the country and have a lot of choices as far as pastured meat goes.  I just wish it wasn’t so horribly expensive.  And the vegetables really need to be organic from here on out.  Especially with juicing, which we’ve been advised to do 2-3 times per day.  Dairy needs to be raw, and grains need to be whole and organic.  I’m glad I know all this already, but it also helps to be reminded.  I’ve been sliding on the quality of food we’ve been eating over the past year, mainly due to financial pressures.  However, it really would be better for Adam to miss a few meals, then for him to consume dangerous pesticides or hormones.  In fact, with two children in our family having neurological conditions, and with my various minor health issues, we ALL need to be eating like this.  We’ll find the money somehow, even if I have to turn tricks to make ends meet.

It looks like we’ll be staying up here until the end of next week to ensure that Adam gets plenty of IV treatments in before we head back to Virginia.  There are a few clinics within an hour from Berryville that do IV treatments, so we now need to figure out which treatments they offer and how much they charge.  Adam will need to have two infusions per week of the three supplements.  This treatment will be his new part-time job and will unfortunately involve some commuting.  But, it will certainly be less grueling than the Burzynski treatment, and will make Adam feel BETTER not worse while he’s on it.  He was literally bouncing after he got his Vitamin C today!  So we are both feeling excited and positive about this new phase of treatment.  And we’re praying that this approach actually works.

Off the Grid

There hasn't been much to write about the past week, as we've just been counting the days until our trip to New York coming up.  I also have had nothing to type ON.  My PC died over a week ago, and I feel like I've lost a limb.  At least 100 times a day I encounter a need to get onto my computer, only to look over at the closed doors of my computer armoire and sigh.  Adam's computer has also been acting up, and our laptop finally bid farewell to it's already disabled spacebar.  We bought the laptop two years ago for Adam to use for work on those rare occasions that we need to travel.  We had it for less than an hour when a 6 month-old Finlay climbed up and ripped off the spacebar.  I managed to finagle it back on, but it never worked quite right.  When it fell off for the last time a few months ago, we began to use the little rubber nobble located beneath the spacebar.  That finally rubbed off completely, so the laptop is now fairly useless.  You would be amazed at just how necessary a spacebar is.

On Tuesday we will be driving up to New York and we are so excited!!  There has been so much to do to prepare, booking a car and hotel, getting an EKG done and collecting all of Adam's surgery notes, labwork, MRI reports, etc.  Not to mention the daily deluge of bills from everyone with a medical degree who's ever HEARD of Adam.  I swear the nurse that swabbed the surgeon's forehead submitted a separate invoice.  Those of you lucky enough to have insurance never get the privilege of dealing with all this crap.  It's an unbelievable amount of paperwork, and has become a part-time job.  Now we also have a separate pile of bills from Calum's surgery to further complicate matters.  I can't even begin to deal with those right now, and UVA will just have to wait until we get Adam's next treatment protocol underway and I find to the time to feel like calling them back.

Hopefully we will be able to get the laptop looked at while in New York so I'll be able to keep everyone updated.  For now I'm stealing moments here and there to jump on Adam's work PC and check a few emails.  Otherwise, I'm pretty much offline, and best to be reached by phone.  You know, the one with the really long cord.  Does anyone else remember when you used to have a corded phone (you know back in the 80s), and it would get all wound up so you had to lift up the cord and let the phone spin around until it worked out all the coils?  Damn that was fun.  And I get to do it all the time!  Hey, maybe we should just go the full-Amish and just do away with household electricity altogether.  I would love any excuse to get rid of that darn Wii.

God's Road Signs

After I wrote and published my last post, I started once again to do some research.  When you come to a dead end, you turn around and go back to the beginning.  I went to my “cancer” shelf on the bookcase, and pulled out The Alternative Guide to Your Cancer Diagnosis.  After looking under “brain cancer” in the index I was directed to page 311.  I read a short excerpt titled “Success Story:  Brain Tumor Treated with Magnetic Therapy”.  I liked what I read.  After testing for nutritional deficiencies, hormonal imbalances, and toxic metabolite exposure, Dr. Schachter put the patient on a nutritional program with several oral supplements including shark cartilage (a big one in the cancer world right now), amygdalin, antioxidant and immune-enhancing vitamins and herbs.   He also had the patient wear a powerful magnet placed against his head and held in place with a headband for several hours each day.  Nearly 5 years later, the patient who had originally been told he had 6-18 months of survival was doing well.  The tumor had not grown at all while under the treatment.

I decided to look up the doctor’s website, and was immediately greeted by a photo of Dr. Schachter himself.  I couldn’t believe it.  He looks so much like Adam’s father.  Really he’s a perfect cross between my father-in-law and a friend from Nottingham named Ian Campbell.  Huh.  I decided to find out exactly where this place is.  I brought up Suffern, NY on Mapquest and was momentarily stunned.  The clinic is exactly 15 miles from my aunt and uncle in Stony Point.  Double-huh.  Okay, Vanessa.  Calm down.  Breathe.  Is this where we are supposed to go?  It can’t be.  This is way too quick.  It’s been less than 12 hours since Adam was taken off the antineoplastons.  Could God really be directing us already?  Would he send us a sign this quickly?   I asked God for more signs.  I asked Him to be absolutely clear.  No fooling around.  We need to know that this is definitely from You.

I don’t know if you remember 7 months ago when we were trying to figure out where we needed to go for Adam to start cancer treatment.  We asked for sign after sign after sign.  God was beating us over the head with the endless Houston references, and yet still I begged for assurance.  I could imagine Him with His hands on His hips going, “Alright already!!”  Well, this time I’ve been just as annoying.  New York?  Are you sure?  Well, despite my reservations, He’s been revealing His intentions to us once again.  Twice in two days I loaded up the internet to be greeted with “New York” in bold.  The news headlines have been focusing on the horrible shooting that just occurred there.  I’ve also been reading a memoir about a woman who was a plural wife in a fundamentalist Mormon group.  I noticed yesterday morning that at the bottom of the cover it reads, “From the New York Times bestselling author of Shattered Dreams.”  I went to show it to Adam, and he replied, “Now all we need to see is a Chevy HHR with New York plates!”  I stared at him with my mouth gaping wide.  He looked at me with a questioning look, and I said, “Honey… we DROVE a Chevy HHR with New York plates when we went to Houston!”  Finally, yesterday we were out for much of the day running errands.  When we got home there were a few messages on the voice mail.  Adam was listening to them and suddenly said, “Oh, Father Dobbins called… how nice of him.”  Father Dobbins is our parochial vicar, and has been so wonderful to us since this whole journey began.  A moment later Adam looked confused and said, “Wait, I don’t know who that was.”  He played it again for me to listen.  It was clearly Father Dobbins’ voice, but for some reason it was saying, “This is Timothy from the Schachter Center calling to see how Adam is doing today, and wondering if you had any more questions after taking to Anita yesterday.  If you would like to call me back, my number here is…”  I couldn’t believe it.  Adam said, “We are definitely going to New York now.”  Suffern, here we come!

Interlude

It’s 5:00 in the morning, and I just can’t sleep.  Adam and I have been talking, holding hands in the dark.  The bedroom is actually dark for the first time in 6 months.  And completely silent.  The whooshing of the pump is gone, as is the pump’s bright display that used to cast a glow around the whole room.  It’s over.  We received a call yesterday that shocked both of us to the core.  Adam’s lesions have grown since the last MRI 8 weeks ago, and there is now a third lesion.  The treatment didn’t work.  It’s worked for so many others.  It is the one treatment that gave us any hope of Adam seeing the boys grow up.  He probably won’t ever get to meet his grandchildren.  He probably won’t see his boys get married or finish school.  He may not ever get to hear Finlay say "Daddy".

We are both so confused.  God led us to Dr. Burzynski’s clinic.  We know that.  The Divine landmarks were so clear.  Some signs were subtle, others blatant.  We were meant to go there, and this treatment seemed made for Adam.  Why didn’t it work?  Why the horrible 6-month detour?  Adam will never get those 6 months back, and right now every month counts.  He’s been like an old man, unable to wrestle with his three young boys.  Unable to take them to the park, or hike the beautiful trails we are blessed to have nearby.  The kids’ lives were put completely on hold.  When God paves a clear path for you, when He asks you to go somewhere and do something so very hard, it’s supposed to work out, right?  When you do what He tells you… it’s supposed to end well, isn’t it?

We don’t know what we are supposed to do next.  We have discussed a few options, but they all look so awfully wrong.  The Burzynski clinic is encouraging us to come back to Houston so he can start gene-targeted therapy.  It just feels wrong.  First of all, we need to come up with $30,000 to start the other treatment, not to mention all the expenses of going down there.  It makes both of us nauseous just thinking of going back to that place and starting over.  The monthly cost of the treatment is over $20,000.  And it has a much lower rate of success than the antineoplastons.  Not to mention the horrible side-effects of the drugs.  Adam just doesn’t want to go there.  Another option is maybe Dr. Gonzalez in NY.  His protocol is absolutely grueling.  It’s a massive total-body detox, involving several coffee enemas a day, a dozen freshly-made juices a day, liver flushes, handfuls of vitamins and enzymes several times a day… it would make the last 6 months look like a freaking holiday.  And we don’t know if he’s had much success with brain tumors.  Finally, we could go back to England.  Adam could receive radiation and chemotherapy on the NHS, which might buy him a couple of years.  It would destroy his body in the meantime, and might disable him to the point where he couldn’t enjoy the boys during his remaining time with us.  Adam doesn’t want it.  He actually groans everytime I mention the possibility of chemo.

I looked into my trusted Streams in the Desert last night and it didn’t fail me.  What I found was this:

           

            “It is faith without sight.  When we can see, it is not faith, but reasoning.  In crossing the Atlantic we observed this very principle of faith.  We saw no path upon the sea, nor sign of shore.  And yet day by day we were marking our path upon the chart as exactly as if there had followed us a great chalk line upon the sea.  And when we came within twenty miles of land, we knew where we were as exactly as if we had seen it all three thousand miles ahead…  So faith looks up and sails on, by God’s great Sun, not seeing one shoreline or earthly lighthouse or path upon the way.  Often its steps seem to lead into utter uncertainty, and even darkness and disaster; but He opens the way, and often makes such midnight hours the very gates of day.  Let us go forth this day, not knowing, but trusting.”

That’s all we can do right now.  Trust in Him.  We are looking for signs and instructions from Above.  We will go wherever He tells us to go, and we will do whatever He commands.  Our faith is all we have.

Pump Woes

I’ve realized that I never formerly introduced our friends and family to the newest member of our family:  the BodyGuard 121 Twin Infusion System.  We call him “Phil” for short.  Well, actually, the FIRST pump we had was called Phil.  Before we had even left Houston we had already bid Phil goodbye and welcomed a replacement pump into our lives.  The first pump had major issues with priming, which is when we get all the air out of the bags in preparation for infusing.  I would kindly ask Phil to prime the air out, but he would refuse time and time again.  “Down Occlusion” he would snidely tell me, and no matter what I did, he would stubbornly refuse to prime.  So, we said goodbye to Phil.  Pump #2 was great.  I guess we never got around to naming him.  I was still hurting a bit from the fast and furious relationship I had with Phil, and wasn’t interested in building an intimate relationship with this one.  I just wanted him to work.  And work he did!!  Boy, could he prime.  He was consistent with his infusions and never let us down.  Good old #2. 

A few months passed and we got the startling news that Adam’s tumor was growing again.  We would have to increase the dose, and would be doing so in increments of 40ml per infusion per day.  Now, Pump #2 had had it quite easy up till now.  As long as the waters were smooth, #2 was reliable.  But, just like many fair-weather friends, he couldn’t handle the change in dosage.  Actually, it was a little more complicated than that.  It seems that #2 was not as consistent and reliable as I had always thought.  #2 was over-infusing all along, and I never suspected a thing.  Once we switched to three bags a day, however, his shenanigans came apparent, and we had to make a decision.  I loved #2, I really did.  But our nurse was worried about Adam overdosing on his meds.  Overdose, shoverdose.  #2 was a good pump.  So he was a bit fast.  We all have our faults.  Couldn’t we just keep #2?  NO.  The decision was made.  We would have to switch out #2 for a new pump.  So along came #3.  I was very wary of him right from the start.  Would he suffer from the same priming paranoia of Phil?  Would he infuse too fast?  Too slow??  I was starting to loose my confidence in BodyGuard and their pesky temperamental dual-infusion pumps.  I had no choice but to welcome #3 into our family, but I was determined not to get too emotionally involved.  I’d been disappointed and hurt before.  Not his time.

Things started off fine.  #3 primed without difficulty.  Adam seemed to be getting all his dosages, however it was a bit of an adjustment after #2.  I was used to Adam getting every drop out of each bag, but #3 left a little behind.  He was more accurate, yes, but I just can’t stand to see waste.  But, nevermind… I’ll just have to deal.  I needed to remind myself that #3 was giving Adam his exact dose, and that is what’s most important.  We were getting along fine until we got to the end of that first month.  Then #3 showed us his true colors.  He was a tightwad.  Big time.  I’ll explain…  We only get a limited amount of tubing for the month, and I always start to run low well before we’re due our next shipment.  So I have to recycle tubing (shhhh, don’t tell the FDA!).  I might have to use a set of tubing for a second day to make sure I have enough to last the month.  We-hell.  Mr. #3 wasn’t having it.  He demanded new tubing every day.  He just knew, he KNEW when I had put in the previous day’s tubing for one more go.  “Missing Key” he would tell me again and again.  In BodyGuard-ese that means that there’s no tubing in the channel.  Um… yes there is tubing, jerk.  I just installed it myself.  But, no, he would out-and-out refuse to infuse.  So I’d have to get new tubing out and pray to God that somehow we would make it to the next shipment.  This was annoying, but after a few days of this he decided to kick it up another notch.  Now he decided that not only did he want new tubing everyday, but between bag changes as well.  You’ve got to be kidding me.  I can’t change tubing twice a day.  No way.  I’m sorry #3 but this relationship just isn’t going to work.  I’ve had it.  Clinic, send me Pump #4.

At this point I’m stating to feel like J. Lo with all her ex’es.  We all know that J. Lo is hard work.  Who in their right mind would want to be married to such a primadonna?  Clearly her failed relationships are a sign that she has some serious problems.  But, wait.  What if my pump problems were actually because of… me?  What if I’M the problem?  I started to doubt myself, and took a long hard look in the mirror.  I decided right there and then that I would really work, and work hard to make this new relationship a success.  It had to.  For the sake of my family, my children.  It was up to me.  I pasted a smile on my face and joyfully invited Pump #4 into our home.  This was it.  This was going to be the best durn woman-pump union the world had ever known.  I was taking a vow and determined to live it to the full.  But, I did something sneaky.  I… kept… Pump #3.  I don’t know why I did it.  I thought that maybe if #4 didn’t work out, I would have #3 to fall back on.  It was deceitful and wrong.  I know that now.  My fourth relationship was based on a foundation of lies, and doomed from the beginning.  It didn’t take long for that act of poor judgment to catch up with me.  I think he knew.  He must have known I had a former pump lingering in the wings.  He just couldn’t handle it.  Pretty soon I started getting “Air in Line” error messages.  This isn’t unusual.  I’ve seen it before with other pumps.  You just locate the air bubble, work it out, and restart the infusion.  Quite straightforward.  But, not with #4.  He was sensitive… too sensitive.  He started crying wolf a lot.  “Air in Line” he would whine, but there was no air.  I tried to calm him down, and sometimes after a good talk he would start back up again.  But, one time there was air.  It destroyed him.  I worked the air out, checked and double checked again.  There was definitely absolutely no air left in the line.  But, he just shut himself off from me and refused to listen.  I couldn’t break through his shell.  He was determined not to let me in, and I could see that this union was not the union I had hoped for.  Finally, I pulled out #3 so Adam could finish his infusion.  And this next part, I’m not proud of.  I started using them both.  I would use #4 in the morning until he developed his air-phobia, then would switch to #3 at night.  When I needed to recycle tubing, I would switch back to #4.  I did this for a week and it destroyed my soul.  I was exhausted.  Trying to work with two pumps was killing me, but I didn’t know how to get out.  I was in too deep.  Finally I called one of the IV nurses at the clinic and confessed everything.  She was gentle and understanding.  And she told me what I just didn’t want to hear:  “You need to get another pump.”

It’s now been a week.  This time it really has been different.  As soon as #5 arrived, I immediately shipped off #3 and #4 back to the clinic.  In the same box.  I shudder to think about what that journey must have been like with the two of them so close together, but nevermind!  I can’t think about that now.  I’m focused on #5, and so far things are going really really well.  He primes, he infuses, he accepts recycled tubing and (I’m a little giddy about this)… he actually infuses a little fast.  Tee-hee.  I’m really excited and I’m thinking this just might work.  He might actually be “The One”!  Okay, wait a minute.  I’m still talking about the BodyGuard 121 Twin Infusion System right?  It’s a pump.  Just a pump.  Man, do I need to get a full-night’s sleep.